8 Things to Say When Someone Lies to You
When someone you love lies to you, you'll often feel betrayed, angry, and maybe even foolish. How could you have been so deceived? "People start to question themselves and how they could have been so oblivious," says Christian L. Hart, a professor of psychology at Texas Woman's University, where he leads the Human Deception Lab.
If there's any hope of repairing the relationship, you need to have a conversation, and what you say is crucial.
"When you catch someone lying, how you handle them will greatly influence their reaction," says Hart. He adds that it's best to de-escalate and not outright accuse them of lying: "Being kind is more effective than accusing. We tend to get people to confess when they feel safe, not when they're upset."
With that in mind, we asked experts exactly what to say when you catch someone lying.
I know this might be uncomfortable to talk about, but it's important.
Pamela Meyer, fraud detection expert and author of Lie Detection: Proven Techniques for Detecting Deception, advises always looking for the facts, not the people. "This means starting with curiosity and acting openly and calmly. We know from a lot of research that people are more willing to speak up if they feel they're dealing with a fair employee," she says.
Meyer prefers to start conversations by saying, "I need to talk about something that's bothering me," or "I feel compelled to bring this up." This is much more powerful than starting with, "I know you lied last week," which only makes the other party defensive.
"I'm a little unclear—tell me again what happened Saturday night."
If you still haven't uncovered the truth, try the funnel technique, suggests Meyer: Start with general, open-ended questions before getting more specific. It's helpful to pair these questions with what she calls "prefix bridges," which soften the question and encourage candor.
"Instead of saying, 'What form did you fill out?' it's more like, 'I'm a little confused. What form did you fill out?'" she says. "Instead of saying, 'Did you see John on Saturday?' it's more like, 'Is it possible that you saw John on Saturday?'" She says this helps people feel like they're clarifying the details of the situation rather than admitting to a lie, which means you're more likely to get the full story.
Help me understand what's going on here.
This is another example of a calm, open approach that doesn't suggest you consider the other person a liar, says Hart. You can also phrase it like this: "I don't think I'm getting the truth here. Can you help me get to the bottom of it?"
"Usually, when people lie, they assume the other person will believe them, and that signals that you don't believe them," he says. "Sometimes people double down and keep lying, and other times they resort to a different kind of lie. But often, they realize that confession is the most effective way to manage the conversation."
It's really nice to say this, but we know it's not true.
One of the main reasons people lie—especially women—is to maintain cohesion in important relationships. They may want to make their partner feel better, or they may believe, however falsely, that their lies improve the relationship. "You don't want to inadvertently push them away, because their goal isn't to push you away; it's to bring you closer," says Kevin Colwell, a psychology professor at Southern Connecticut State University who researches deception.
He suggests responding with a communication style called empathic affirmation: understanding the other person's feelings, needs, and desires while expressing your own. For example: "I appreciate that you said I look like a supermodel, honey, but I know my good days are over now." "Start with something empathetic to tie the knot, then explain your perspective," Colwell says. "You're trying to save the relationship, because that was the real reason for the lie in the first place."
That was an impulsive thing to say.
Colwell says that young people often lie because they feel insecure, and you won't accomplish anything by calling them out in the moment. Instead, later, when they're in a safe and comfortable position, you can bring up the issue: "Maybe I exaggerated a bit what I said earlier."
"Don't tell them they were completely wrong," he says. The goal is to open a dialogue and create an opportunity for personal growth.
"This doesn't align with what I said before."
With this approach, you're not directly accusing someone of lying. Hart says, "It's simply an honest acknowledgment that what's being said now doesn't align with what was said before. This allows the person to correct the situation, and what we find is that people often acknowledge the truth and say, 'Well, what I really meant was...'"
"Here's one thing I know."
If you've already tried other approaches and your friend hasn't admitted to lying—but you're certain they're lying—you can use the "strategic use of evidence," says Hart. Put it this way: "Let me tell you something I know."
“This changes the power dynamic and lets the liar know that you may be aware of the truth, or perhaps a large part of it,” he says. “Then they become more likely to back down and stop lying.”
It's very important for our relationship to be honest, and I want to be honest with you. I hope you'll be honest with me, too.
No matter who you're talking to—your son, your new romantic partner, your second cousin—a relationship won't thrive unless it's built on honesty. There's no need to be simplistic: If you catch someone lying, remind them that honesty is the foundation of trust and respect, and it's something you both need to commit to. "The goal is to work hard every day to be as honest as possible," Hart says. "Honesty is a habit that takes practice, and sometimes it's hard to do. The more we practice, the more we'll be able to overcome those difficulties."
Wondering what to say in a difficult social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com